Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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