I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
