Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
