Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
