So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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