Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
