I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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