It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
