The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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