she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
