I need help removing her.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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