I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
