i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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