He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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