"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
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it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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