I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
