"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
