why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
