my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
