So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
