I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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