No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
