he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
