I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you have to choose: penises or morals?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
