I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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