This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
