Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
