It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize