fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
