Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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