It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
