Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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