Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
