I molested 6 butterflies tonight
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
