I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
