Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
