I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
