You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
