I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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