I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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