just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
