he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
