It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
