Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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