I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
