Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
