how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....