Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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