youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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