Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
