shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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