Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
