You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
