God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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