OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
