would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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