I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
