I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
