I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
