My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
