If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
