does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
