I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
