She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
