literally had 100 drinks last night.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
