Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
